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Making Mommy Friends in a Judgmental Society

Making Mommy Friends in a Judgmental SocietyDo you ever feel that it is too hard to make mommy friends?

I’m not talking about acquaintances that come and go, but, rather, real mom friends. Friends that have other kids who can grow up with yours. Friends that just get it. Friends who will just come over with their kids, and hang with you while sipping coffee. The friends that don’t judge you. If your house is a mess, they don’t care. If your kids are crazy, so are theirs. They just stick it out with you and embrace it all. Those are the kind of mommy friends that every mom really needs. Yet, it takes some work trying to find hose friends.

Judgy Moms

We all know those kinds of moms, who are constantly judging you.

Oh, you breastfeed? Well, that’s gross and you shouldn’t do that in public. Oh, you bottlefeed? Don’t you know breast is best? If your kids are unruley, they just assume it’s bad parenting and you should spank more. If you spank in public then your are a horrible mother who publicly shames her children. Don’t even think about feeding them that happy meal, only fresh grown organic vegetables will do. Oh, you don’t work? You probably just sit around on Netflix all day. You go to work? You are a horrible mother for leaving your kids with someone else.

The list continues, and is never ending.

There are just so many ways a mom can fail her children, and there’s always at least one other mom standing on the side lines who thinks they can do it better. It’s hard to make a friend with that kind of pressure. “I know I’m loosing it, thank you very much for your kind words.” Why can’t we just support each other. Motherhood is not easy, and I don’t believe anyone who says it is; they are lying.

What we really need are real mom friends to help us on those days where we just can’t. Yes, even the strongest of mothers have those days. We should be able to call upon those friends and know that they will have our backs without any judgment. We should count on the fact that they need us just as much as we need them.

The Interview Process

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like they need to bring a formal questionnaire where ever you go, for potential mom friends? Like when you go to the park, let the kids play, then start handing out the questionnaire to every mom whom you think would be a good match. At the bare minimum, I do a little interview process when I’m meeting new moms. I’ll sit down beside them, and start breastfeeding and see if they move away or not. If they engage in conversation while I’m nursing, they get an extra point. Then comes the small talk. Where are you from? How old are your kids? Are you bothered by a glass of wine before 5 pm? You know–the important stuff.

Then we will proceed to watch the kids while I’m secretly interviewing her kids. Like, do they play well with mine? Can they keep up with the crazy that my kids unleash at the park? The hard part is waiting for the meltdown, or when I need to do some therapy coaching on Ethan. At that point, as the mom is looking at me wondering what on earth I am doing, I mention the “A” word (autism). This is the final question in my interview process, because too many times I have lost friends because they just don’t want to deal with being around a person with autism. They will tell their kids to stay away from them, and then I have to go all mama bear on them.

It’s sad, I know, but it is what it is. If after I tell them, and they are still there engaging in conversation with me, asking questions, or, better yet, engaging with my kids, that’s when I know I’ve found a winner. That’s when the Facebook stalking begins, and I send out my friend request to see if they accept. I go home and tell my husband all about the encounter, and how this could be a great mommy friendship. Half the time my excitement is for nothing, and it never goes anywhere, but every once in a while I find a good one.

The Importance of Mom Friends

Why is it so important to have a mommy friends? What if we like being alone and doing it ourselves? Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, needs even just one person who just understands, who gets it, and who embraces everything about you. There are so many good things that come out of being a mother, but it’s not without a lot of sacrifice, stress, and tears. It’s hard trying to hold it all together all the time. For our health, we need to be able to vent about anything we want, to other people besides our significant others. We need to be able to haul our kids over while they play and we just sit on the couch and nap together.

A mom friend, is someone who accepts the kind of mother you are, and doesn’t judge your parenting style. They actively ask about your kids, and treat them as their own. They embrace your hotmess of a life and love the way you are. For me personally, my best mom friends are patient with my kids, they let me talk about the struggles with being an autism mom, and, more importantly, they don’t run away scared. They may not understand everything, but they ask questions, they engage with them, and they LISTEN!!!

It’s scary and hard to find mom friends today. It’s a whole new level of High School. Everyone is staring at the new mom at all the play groups, they are whispering to one another. Your anxiety level is high enough with going out in public with your kiddos. The hardest part is just going out and talking to other moms. Once you go out, and make the first move, you will feel so much better about your quest to find a mom friend. So, how do you make a mom friend when everyone is judging you?

Tips to find mom friends

This is 2018, that means everything and everyone has a group on Facebook. The easiest way to make a mom friend in today’s society is to search on Facebook. I’m not kidding, they have breastfeeding groups, cloth diapering groups, autism support groups, coffee fanatic groups–you name it. All you have to do is type in that bar on top of facebook and search for the type of group you are looking for. You can even find a mom friend who doesn’t live near you, but you can connect with via FB, text, instagram, Snapchat and so on. Most local places have mommy play date groups; for example Lawton, Oklahoma has about 3 different ones. To make it a little easier on you, here are a few of my favorite ones.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/Stayathomemoms.MommingTogether/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/worldsokayestmom/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/mamafriendsco/

There are plenty more where those come from, you may also search Facebook groups in your area.

Other ways to find the right mom friend for you, is to do a little research. Call your local hospitals, WIC offices, breastfeeding clinics, and more. They will have information on various mom groups out there. Probably the best way to make a mom friend though, is by actually sacking up and going out in the world. Parks are the best place to find a mom friend. Just look for the wall of moms sitting underneath the shady tree and park your self amongst them. Start up a conversation, introduce yourself and your kids. Most importantly just be you. Don’t hide anything about you.

You want a real friend as much as they do, so don’t hide the best and worst–share it all. You have nothing to lose. Who knows, you might be talking with your future best friend. The person whose kids will grow up with yours. The person who’s husband will become your husbands bro. The mama who will cry with you and know that you are there to listen. The mama who genuinely asks about, and cares about all your kids, and doesn’t exclude the ones who appear different. She will encourage you, accept you, and embrace the hotmess mom that you are.

Go out there, be you, and find that hotmess of a friend to go with your HoTmEsS life!

34 Comments

  • becomingschultz

    So so true. Finding good true mommy friends is hard! I found some of a tribe, but I still want that friend who can come over every week and not mind my mess.

  • Mommy Dearest

    Speaking from the “older generation” you know the mom of the HotMess Mom, We Mom’s have ALWAYS judged. It’s sad but we mom’s and Women in general wrote the book on judging. Social media has made that even easier. However “back in my day”-no laughing HotMess- we did not have social media to help us make friends. We had to walk uphill both ways to take the kids to the park. Embrace these ideas of friend finding, both in person and social media friends are needed for your everyday sanity. Always remember when meeting a new Mom that 1st impressions is part of human nature. Take a look then close your eyes take a deep breath then look again, you may have just found your new BFF.

  • marjiemare

    I love your post. It’s so hard for me to find mom friends maybe because of the huge age gap between my girls. I have never thought about searching on Facebook. Thanks for sharing.

  • Stephanie

    It is very hard to find mom friends if you and your other friends don’t have kids at the same time. (Let alone get married.) Add the judgement and it becomes tiresome. Thank you for the tips. I enjoyed your post.

  • Amanda

    Ya know, I have been in search for a “best friend” for a while. I moved to my current city 10 years ago, and I still haven’t found that one friend that I can call my best friend. I find that to be ridiculous. I have two best friends a couple hours away, but I need a friend close by. It is so hard to make long lasting, genuine friends, especially mom friends! I feel ya!

  • raising2boyswithbooks

    It is very tough to find new mom friends. There are just so many factors that go into your compatibility. Thanks for the tips!

  • Mermama

    This is so true! It drives me crazy how other moms are the judgiest when they know how hard it can be! I definitely struggle with making mom friends and sometimes avoid the park unless it’s empty 😅 but it would be nice to have more since my non mom friends don’t understand the struggle!

  • Lara Ziobro

    I so feel this post. It’s so hard to find a good group of moms to connect with. I have a great group from when I lived in NYC but now that we’ve moved to the suburbs, I’ve been struggling to find the same level of groups out there.

  • Jillian

    ah. It’s so hard, especially when you move often. I am thankful that where we are now, I have found the sweetest women to now call friends. Thankfully there hasn’t been any of those pudgy mama moments…yet. 😉

  • Joline

    I totally get this. I’m not a mom but making friends as adults in general is hard. When did that happen, right?? We moved to a different city and our friends just became once a year people sadly.

  • Angela Tolsma

    I don’t have kids but gosh it is hard to make friends as an adult and throw kids in the mix and I bet it’s way harder.

  • Coins & Babble

    Great post! Sounds like you could use some special needs moms on your side. 😊. Parenting Autism is different than parenting neuro typical kids and just like you want “Mom friends” because they get it, you probably crave “special needs Mom friends” because they REALLY get it haha. I haven’t had a huge struggle with making a few good Mom friends, but it can be hard to find ones who just get it.

  • Di Hickman

    OMG you think it’s hard finding MOM friends? Imagine being 46 and with no kids. I can’t tell you the amount of people who just don’t understand that we don’t want kids. Thankfully I’ve got a good network of girlfriends now who ‘get it” and half of those don’t have kids either.

  • Sara

    Its difficult to find the real mom friends rather than people who are judgemental. I wish I find someone, yeah, I am happy to know that I am not the only one who desires to find a true mom friend with whom I could share and spend time

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