The Books Are Wrong
I don’t know about you, but I am sick of all this parenting propaganda out there. You know–that make motherhood seem like this magical journey; filled with rainbows and butterflies…
I hate to break it to all the Princess Poppy’s out there, but it’s not all cupcakes and rainbows.
If you are a future mama-to-be, buying all these great parenting books, let me give you what will probably be the best advice you will ever get. PUT THE BOOKS DOWN!!
Now back away slowly.
Ok, now that you have gotten rid of those annoying books, allow me to give it to you real. Motherhood, and the journey to motherhood, is painful, frustrating, tiring, and much more.
Don’t Get Me Wrong…
The feeling of being pregnant, giving birth, raising my four beautiful children, is something I would not trade for the world. I love being a mom, it is the most rewarding thing I will ever do. That doesn’t mean it’s a walk in the park.
I was just like you once. Buying all the “What to expect” books, reading all the “How to be a mom in 5 easy steps,” posts, and watching documentaries, interviews, movies, or anything else related to motherhood.
Then it was time to become a mom, and realized that all that time and energy…and money, was a complete waste. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could prepare me for what was about to happen.
Man, I thought I knew everything. It was going to be a breeze. I had this. I was ready…muahaha man, was I stupid!
Live and learn they say, and that is exactly what I have done.
Now it’s my turn to pass on what I have learned about pregnancy, birth, and motherhood thus far. I’m gonna give you a few simple steps that can help you prepare for what is about to be the longest roller coast you will ever step onto (without sugar coating it).
5 ways to prepare for pregnancy
- Put the scale away, like literally chuck it in the garbage, because as of today, it is not your friend.
- Get ahold of an 8 pound weight. Now I want you to drink a gallon of water. Ok, after you drink the water, place the weight directly onto your bladder. This is what pregnancy is going to feel like.
- Buy stock in pads; you are going have leaks, discharge, mucus, slime, blood, you name it, it’s going to end up in your underwear.
- You will need to grab all the pillows in your ENTIRE house, place them on your bed. This is the ONLY way you will ever sleep while pregnant. Chances are it still won’t be enough.
- Make sure you have access to a sonic or McDonalds…you will become their favorite 2 AM customer.
Now that we got some pregnancy guidance out the way, the most life changing event that will make you simultaneously a kick-ass mom, and a hotmess mom comes next.
Disregard those cheesy documentaries about birth. Better yet, don’t watch any Hollywood movie that has a birth in it, because I can assure you, birth is way messier and far more painful, than what you see on the big screen.
5 ways to prepare for birth
- Blood!!! Be mentally prepared for so much blood. Think about your heaviest period…now quadruple that, and you still won’t be close to the amount of blood, both during birth and after.
- Frozen maxi pads for your who-haw. It is about to be ripped to shreds, you are going to want easy access to some frozen maxi pads that will become your one true friend.
- Pain, there is really nothing you can do to prepare yourself for the amount of pain. Unless would like to go to a kickboxing class and volunteer to be kicked and punched in the stomach (I wouldn’t recommend). Just know that if you are planning on going all natural, you can do it!! Your beautiful body was made for this, and you WILL get through it.
- This is YOUR birth!!! You are allowed to choose who you want and don’t want in the room with you. Do NOT let anyone try to pressure you into letting them in. The same goes for YOUR birth plan. If you want natural, do it. If you want an epidural, do it. You decide what is right for you, and don’t worry about any of the haters.
- Plan on the fact that you will probably poop on the table, pee on the doctor, or even both. Nothing to stress yourself about, because it is 100% out of your control. Just accept it and get used to embarrassing moments…motherhood is full of them.
Everyone assumes that the giving birth part is the hardest part about becoming a mom. Those people are dead wrong.
At least you have a general idea of what is going to happen during the birthing process…I mean I would sure hope you know what’s going to happen.
But motherhood, motherhood is a whole new ball game.
The truth is NOBODY knows what is going to happen in motherhood. It is the scariest thing you will ever do, and you literally will be second guessing yourself the entire time.
The good news is, I have a few suggestions of things that you might or might not find helpful. Suggestions that mostly likely will help you prepare what the hardest journey you will ever make.
5 Ways to prepare for motherhood
- The best advice I can give you to prepare for motherhood, is to learn to function in society with as little sleep as possible. I’m talking about 3-5 hours of sleep. That is what you have to function off of, and I use the term “function” very loosely. Basically set your alarm to go off every 2 freaking hours, get up and stay up for a good 15 min, then go back to sleep; but only for another 2 hours…this is motherhood.
- Lay a path down your hallway, full of legos, Barbie shoes, spiked dinosaurs, and random gooey messes. Now practice walking the entire length of the hallway, repeatedly, until the bottom of your feet have become numb to the pain.
- When you find yourself looking cute in that brand new outfit, I want you to go to the fridge, pour yourself a glass of milk, and then dump that glass on your shirt. Go and change into a new outfit, and dump another glass of milk on that too. You are now prepared for the first year of motherhood.
- Say it with me “Because I said so.” You will use these words a gazillion times throughout your motherhood journey. Learn them, say them with confidence, and give them the hard stare as you say them.
- Don’t blink. You may think I mean this in the cute metaphor of how quick they grow up. What I really mean is don’t blink because in the course of that blink, something is on fire, someone broke something, someone is bleeding, they grabbed a sharpie and is now pretending to be Picasso on your walls and doors. You name it, they will do it the second they think you aren’t looking.
See, you don’t need those stinking books, because there is nothing that is going to prepare you for motherhood. It is the biggest trial and error test you will ever receive.
The truth is, none of us know what we are doing, we basically are winging it, as we survive off of coffee and wine.
So just go easy on yourself, you’re gonna fail, but we all do. It’s part of the hotmess journey…
Welcome to motherhood!